...dedicated to the memory of my maternal grandmother, Ethel Kerswill

A LETTER TO SALLY

Frank Westcott

"Hi!" I'm looking after Sally's place while she's gone. I like Sally. She's just like Cher, except Sally's a blonde and not a brunette and Sally doesn't go on T.V. in her underwear. Sally's never had her picture on the cover of National Inquirer either. Sally knows a lot about smells. She work's at Seras in the perfume department.
There's not much to looking after Sally's place. There's just, Dundee, her pet crocodile who lives in the bathroom, and talking to her plants. She told me to talk to her plants everyday.

I didn't really know what to say to them, so I read to them. I started with Anne of Green Gables, then went on to Anne of Avonlea, and finally Moby Dick. Now, I just leave the T.V. on all the time.
        Hope Sally brings some perfume back with her. Her place is starting to smell.
        I'm at Sally's now. Got a letter to leave on her kitchen table. Took me all day to write. I'll put the letter in the center of the table beside the envelope, so she can't miss it.
        Let's see what did I say to her?
        Ah, yes...

        Dear Sally,
        I hope you found your father at the monastery.
        My psychiatrist, Dr. Smith, says I caught claustrophobia last week when I got stuck in your closet.
        I forgot to feed Dundee while you were away. He ate your shoe. I hope he didn't eat you before you left.
        You left your dentures in the glass on the counter.
        Yesterday, Dr. Smith dissented me with Doctor Sigmud Froide. Doctor Smith said Doctor Froide said I have an Eatipus Duplex. So, I'm renting a flat now. I'm going to see Doctor Heddy-Bender tomorrow. I hope I don't catch Flatipus Oneplex from her.
        I bought six pairs of cotton socks from Harry. I got two blue pair, two black pair, and two white pair. The socks have toe holes in them, so I won't have to take them off to clean my nails. I soaked Harry's socks in javex all week. The smell's almost gone. So are the socks. I'm going to the Laundromat this afternoon to watch the rest of them dry. Can you bring me some perfume when you get back?
        The plant in the big pot by the door died.
        I hope Dundee doesn't have babies while you're gone. You know how I hate anything with teeth. One of the happiest days of my life was the day you got your dentures.
         I hope having a flat helps. Maybe someday I'll be able to drink out of the glass with your teeth in it.
         I don't have any stamps.
        Can you mail this when you get back?
        Love,

Alfred

Hope Sally likes my letter. Better get to the Laundromat and get my socks dried. The ones I have on are starting to fall off my feet. Maybe I should buy a pair of shoes... See ya!

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